ATTACK OF THE CLAW

So, it would appear to be 1.15am and I'm sat here typing a blog. Got work tomorrow, but never mind.

I've been struggling to sleep as of late, despite being physically tired. I guess I know the reason too. There has been no real mental stimulation in my life as of late. All I do is get up, go to work, come home, have dinner and then go to bed. This lack of activity is causing me to dwell on things too much, . If I'm lucky I'll have band practice, which keeps me occupied for a few hours. I've been trying to work on Albatross Conspiracy, but I'm finding it hard to come up with anything that isn't cliched and, well, shit. Starting a piece and then deleting a whole evening's work because of a bout of doubt and self loathing probably isn't the way to go when tyring to record an EP. People keep on asking me about new AC stuff, things like "When will you do some more gigs?" or "How come you haven't done anything in a while?" I need to find a way to get over this musical dry spell. Maybe replacing the HD in my ibook it the way forward. I certainly can't get any work I'm happy with done on this netbook. There are little sketches of songs/pieces, but that's all they have remained.

This year has been a bit of a very high/very low thing. Have found another person I know has taken their own life this recently. At least my friends will no longer be tormented by themselves. Sometimes its the only option left, I guess. The pain of mental illness cannot be easily cured and sometimes...well. I feel bad for their families but at the same time..I can understand why people do it.

Big steps / small steps

So, I realised today that I hadn't really wrote a blog in a while. What are lazy Sunday's for?

After contemplating the lack of happiness in my life these last few years, I actually took some actions in the last few months that have had/ will have positive impacts. I'm now living on my own with Mr Chompy, the chomping hamster. Mr Bubbles sadly past away before Christmas. That was a turning point in a way. His death really upset me and it made me see that the only reason I went back to that house was to look after my rodents. I was existing, for the most part - my day had work to keep me occupied in a rudimentary way, but the evening was full of awkward moments. I couldn't see any way to resolve the situation. I ignored it for the longest time..I perhaps shouldn't have given what it did to me...

This isn't the place to go into that any more so I won't. Many aspects of my life have greatly improved and I have met some wonderful people along the way. People that have persuaded me to reach for me dreams, and to not be held back by change. The previous chapter of my life was controlled by the constant, even at the expense of happiness and hope. It was almost as if it was okay if I was miserable, so long as nothing changed. So long as I never stood up for myself. I'm NEVER going to let that happen to me again.

If you asked me last year if I had hope for the future, I would have said no. For a long as I can remember I felt this way. This is the first year that I have some hope to hold on to. Dreams to hold onto - without being told they are childish or stupid. This year is the year where I can make my life what I want it to be.