So, it would appear to be 1.15am and I'm sat here typing a blog. Got work tomorrow, but never mind.
I've been struggling to sleep as of late, despite being physically tired. I guess I know the reason too. There has been no real mental stimulation in my life as of late. All I do is get up, go to work, come home, have dinner and then go to bed. This lack of activity is causing me to dwell on things too much, . If I'm lucky I'll have band practice, which keeps me occupied for a few hours. I've been trying to work on Albatross Conspiracy, but I'm finding it hard to come up with anything that isn't cliched and, well, shit. Starting a piece and then deleting a whole evening's work because of a bout of doubt and self loathing probably isn't the way to go when tyring to record an EP. People keep on asking me about new AC stuff, things like "When will you do some more gigs?" or "How come you haven't done anything in a while?" I need to find a way to get over this musical dry spell. Maybe replacing the HD in my ibook it the way forward. I certainly can't get any work I'm happy with done on this netbook. There are little sketches of songs/pieces, but that's all they have remained.
This year has been a bit of a very high/very low thing. Have found another person I know has taken their own life this recently. At least my friends will no longer be tormented by themselves. Sometimes its the only option left, I guess. The pain of mental illness cannot be easily cured and sometimes...well. I feel bad for their families but at the same time..I can understand why people do it.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Big steps / small steps
So, I realised today that I hadn't really wrote a blog in a while. What are lazy Sunday's for?
After contemplating the lack of happiness in my life these last few years, I actually took some actions in the last few months that have had/ will have positive impacts. I'm now living on my own with Mr Chompy, the chomping hamster. Mr Bubbles sadly past away before Christmas. That was a turning point in a way. His death really upset me and it made me see that the only reason I went back to that house was to look after my rodents. I was existing, for the most part - my day had work to keep me occupied in a rudimentary way, but the evening was full of awkward moments. I couldn't see any way to resolve the situation. I ignored it for the longest time..I perhaps shouldn't have given what it did to me...
This isn't the place to go into that any more so I won't. Many aspects of my life have greatly improved and I have met some wonderful people along the way. People that have persuaded me to reach for me dreams, and to not be held back by change. The previous chapter of my life was controlled by the constant, even at the expense of happiness and hope. It was almost as if it was okay if I was miserable, so long as nothing changed. So long as I never stood up for myself. I'm NEVER going to let that happen to me again.
If you asked me last year if I had hope for the future, I would have said no. For a long as I can remember I felt this way. This is the first year that I have some hope to hold on to. Dreams to hold onto - without being told they are childish or stupid. This year is the year where I can make my life what I want it to be.
After contemplating the lack of happiness in my life these last few years, I actually took some actions in the last few months that have had/ will have positive impacts. I'm now living on my own with Mr Chompy, the chomping hamster. Mr Bubbles sadly past away before Christmas. That was a turning point in a way. His death really upset me and it made me see that the only reason I went back to that house was to look after my rodents. I was existing, for the most part - my day had work to keep me occupied in a rudimentary way, but the evening was full of awkward moments. I couldn't see any way to resolve the situation. I ignored it for the longest time..I perhaps shouldn't have given what it did to me...
This isn't the place to go into that any more so I won't. Many aspects of my life have greatly improved and I have met some wonderful people along the way. People that have persuaded me to reach for me dreams, and to not be held back by change. The previous chapter of my life was controlled by the constant, even at the expense of happiness and hope. It was almost as if it was okay if I was miserable, so long as nothing changed. So long as I never stood up for myself. I'm NEVER going to let that happen to me again.
If you asked me last year if I had hope for the future, I would have said no. For a long as I can remember I felt this way. This is the first year that I have some hope to hold on to. Dreams to hold onto - without being told they are childish or stupid. This year is the year where I can make my life what I want it to be.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Monday, 27 July 2009
We are always trying
Feeling kind of hollow today. Sometimes I feel that I'm really not good enough, I don't try hard enough. I'm still trying to decide what I want from life. How can I achieve all I want when I'm too scared to take a risk now and again? I know so many talented and wonderful people, and I'm really glad I can call them my friends, but at the same time, I feel pretty inadequate compared with pretty much everyone.
I want to take some action. Make myself happy for a while, but I'm scared everything will fall apart again. That I won't be good enough, again. I should try. But what if it all goes wrong?
I want to take some action. Make myself happy for a while, but I'm scared everything will fall apart again. That I won't be good enough, again. I should try. But what if it all goes wrong?
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Monday, 22 June 2009
Bubbles
Bubbles is looking loads better now. He still has some fur missing near his pouches ..but it will get better. As I suspected, he is blind, but his nose helps him out loads.
Goes to show that taking in rescue animals does wonders.
I know there is an argument that keeping pets in cages is cruel, and in some respects it is, very much so. Being vegetarian, I know ALL of the arguments. In an ideal world all the little critters would be living a free, wild, life. Unfortunately for us, and them, the world is not ideal. They are born into captivity and its just luck whether it is in the pet shop, or the lab. I would much rather give a home to a rodent and make sure he is as happy as he can be in captivity. If I, and others like me didn't do this, no doubt more old men and ladies would end up frozen as snake food or used in experiments. Or just abandoned and neglected, as Bubbles nearly was. He suffered from Muscle atrophy due to his previous living conditions. Tiny cage, no exercise wheel. I suspect he was never taken out of his cage.
He is walking a bit better now. Bubbles hasn't got long left in this world now, but as much as I can, I hope I am improving his life in some small way buy letting him walk around and letting him do some instinctive things.
Goes to show that taking in rescue animals does wonders.
I know there is an argument that keeping pets in cages is cruel, and in some respects it is, very much so. Being vegetarian, I know ALL of the arguments. In an ideal world all the little critters would be living a free, wild, life. Unfortunately for us, and them, the world is not ideal. They are born into captivity and its just luck whether it is in the pet shop, or the lab. I would much rather give a home to a rodent and make sure he is as happy as he can be in captivity. If I, and others like me didn't do this, no doubt more old men and ladies would end up frozen as snake food or used in experiments. Or just abandoned and neglected, as Bubbles nearly was. He suffered from Muscle atrophy due to his previous living conditions. Tiny cage, no exercise wheel. I suspect he was never taken out of his cage.
He is walking a bit better now. Bubbles hasn't got long left in this world now, but as much as I can, I hope I am improving his life in some small way buy letting him walk around and letting him do some instinctive things.
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Things a changing
So, feeling a bit more positive today. It would appear I only feel good when I know I'm going to a gig or playing one. Had a nice little walk to the pet shop to get some hamster supplies. Saw a harvest mouse!
My best friend has managed to bag him self a great flat in near Manchester. Feel so happy for him, finally getting out and doing his own thing. I'll be disappointed if he doesn't construct some kind of wall shelving for vinyl goodness. Lucky bugger has a jacuzzi bath!
Tonight is Thou, Rot in Hell and Moloch in one of my fav gig venues. The Chameleon has such a friendly feel to the place. Will be good to catch up with Duane too, especially after everything that has went on this week.
My best friend has managed to bag him self a great flat in near Manchester. Feel so happy for him, finally getting out and doing his own thing. I'll be disappointed if he doesn't construct some kind of wall shelving for vinyl goodness. Lucky bugger has a jacuzzi bath!
Tonight is Thou, Rot in Hell and Moloch in one of my fav gig venues. The Chameleon has such a friendly feel to the place. Will be good to catch up with Duane too, especially after everything that has went on this week.
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